MOVIE REVIEW: 47 Ronin
What if I told you that there’s this movie coming out that features a bunch of dudes fighting a bunch of other dudes, demons, witches and culminates with a duel featuring a half demon ronin and a dragon; sounds amazing right? Now what if I said that same movie is also one of the most boring movies you’ll ever see in your life? You’ll probably tell me there’s no way such a zany and gloriously ridiculous concept will ever be boring; well I’m sorry to say that 47 Ronin manages to turn said concept into a snooze fest, one that presents itself as epic, but is rather anti-climactic at everything it does.
Don’t get me wrong, the potential is THERE; this is a world where samurais hunt giant beasts like it’s an everyday thing, where witches have living hair that they use like tentacles and where slaves fight giant monsters – gladiator style – to insure they live another day, there is an absolute gold mine of potential fun here that this movie hopelessly squanders and rushes through every chance it gets.
In fact everything here is rushed; The story moves at a lightning quick pace, full of betrayal and death, expecting us to feel some sort of attachment to the events that unfold in spite of us not knowing or feeling the gravity of the situations that pan out. Why should I care for Kai’s need of acceptance? How deep is the hatred Lord Kira has for Lord Asano? How much did Oishi’s master mean to him? We don’t ever know or care.
Fun Fact: these are the plot points that drive the story.
I would also like to point out that a scene is not automatically sad just because a character dies, we need to be able to get to know them, like or hate them, have them affect our hearts one way or another, if a character is given no build up, it gets no sympathy from its audience. This happens a lot in 47 Ronin, as characters with personalities so bland I could barely criticize the acting (let’s call it bland as well) come and go like they were written by George R.R. Martin, but without the TLD (Tender, Love and Death).
The film also struggles with whose journey it’s supposed to be; is it Oishi’s? Played by Hiroyuki Sinada, looking for redemption after he failed his master? Is it Keanu Reeves’ Character Kai’s? Struggling to gain acceptance from his people due to him being a half breed? It looks like no one could decide so they put them in a blender with the rest of the 45 Ronin and called it a film.
47 Ronin does the impossible; it formulated plenty of metal ideas like forming a spider out of PURE HATRED and somehow executed them in the blandest way possible.
