Posted June 25, 2013 by Toby Alejandria in Columns

7 Lessons “The Dark Knight Returns Part 1 and 2″ Didn’t Plan on Teaching

(Authors note: I was referring to the animated movies by DC. I loved the flicks that it has compelled me to buy the graphic novel come payday.)

I have just watched “The Dark Knight Returns” (both 1 and 2) last Sunday, and I must say that it was by far the best Batman animated film. The reason maybe because it teaches us a great lesson. Like in JUSTICE, the villains we all grew up with tell the Average Joe that we can be the heroes.

But there are other lessons that these two flicks probably didn’t plan on imparting, namely:

1. It’s okay to hit old women

Old hag

Yep…how the hell do you respect an old troll with alcohol issues?

…as long as they’re ugly and resemble Shrek (and can defend themselves). Okay, it’s just Bruce Wayne in disguise. Come to think of it, this disguise sucks. He looks like a leper straight out of the Dark Ages.

2. Superman’s a masochist

Sure, we get it. Superman, with all his might, vows to protect all of humanity. And how do they repay him?


By making him a part of The Walking Dead of course! Time and time again, humanity has relied on this guy because he can’t die an earthly death. Time and time again, this guy bent over when different presidents asked him to. For what? To work in The Daily Planet where he gets berated by his editor-in-chief. Come on guys, take away his powers and he’d still be sacrificing for the greater good.

3. You can half-break a neck


Remember that fight scene Batman and Joker had in the love tunnel (I love how Miller gets very suggestive by the way)? Joker had his last laugh as Bats almost killed him. How? He almost broke the Joker’s neck! The latter just finished the job by twisting his own neck, ending his fate with a huge smile on his face.

4. The Mutants have perpetual PMS


Ugly things

Cyclops went around shady brothels, producing these.

These guys are the main antagonists in Part 1, aka The Mutants. For visual reasons, I decided not to show the leader (just imagine if Bowser really got it on with Princess Peach). Anyway, these guys are the epitome of indecisiveness as majority of them went on to become Sons of Batman, some remained mutants and some became the posse of a broad who uses swastikas for bras.

What the hell

5. Batman’s jealous and insecure


Batman kicking supes ass

The prototype of virtual lovemaking in “The Demolition Man” was a failure.

Not able to take Gotham as being the only peaceful city in America post-Soviet nuke attack (see: embarrassed), the US president orders The Man of Steel to take care of The Dark Knight and his “non-conformist” ways. Thus, an epic battle ensues between the two. Guess what, Supes got his ass handed to him!

As a big Bat-fan, I would normally be cheering at this point but Bats suddenly tells his friend that he will be known as the only man who beat Superman. That would be cool, if Batman really was a villain. However, that made him sound like an insecure member of The Backstreet Boys chomping on Nick Carter for being the face of BSB.

6. Batman scores at will

Segue to the kiss

This is Selina Kyle, by the way. Just so you know.

In the movie, Batman and Robin (Carrie Kelley) arrive at Kyle Escorts, finding the former Catwoman Selina Kyle bound and gagged in a Wonder Woman outfit. What’s worse is that Joker gave her a beating (men, never hit women). Batman’s first reaction is hugging her, assuring her that everything’s alright. Then, all of a sudden, Bats kisses the Cat on a whim. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but with Bruce’s “hit”-list, it’s hard not to think of a patron comforting his favorite hooker. With Selina looking like that, you can safely assume…

7. Hot women have a bleak future

Kristin Kreuk

We all know that everybody else didn’t know who Lana Lang is until the hit-series Smallville (neither did I). In Frank Miller’s masterwork, all hot women I know end up ingesting a sack of potatoes.


Well, you saw what happened to Selina Kyle.


Toby Alejandria