Posted July 18, 2013 by Toby Alejandria in Columns

D’Abenjers Pt. 2

Due to popular demand (by imaginary fans of mine), I bring to you the 2nd installment of the 4-part series of D’Abenjers! The first part tackled the main characters. Now, we’re going to be discussing the plot (which will mostly be eaten by the backstories of each character). What? You haven’t read the first part!? Shame on you! Okay, I’ll wait as you catch up.

You good? Let’s begin with what they were doing before going into the actual plot.

(NOTE: Fanboys and fangirls, do not kill me.)

As you may know, our local movie fare has been thriving on LOVE. It could be romantic, familial, or for self-worth. Each Avenger will be giving you a different facet of that very ambiguous term–LOVE.

Iron Man (after tango-ing with the disappointment that was “The Mandarin”)

Tony marries Pepper Potts (played by Eula Valdez) and everything ends well. Until they get a divorce due to Pepper having an intense episode of Jungle Fever with Tony’s best friend, Rhodey (played by ex-PBA player Renaldo Balkman). Confronting Rhodey didn’t go well for Tony.

With all the crap he’s been dealt with, he succumbs to drunken stupor, which catches the attention of both Bantay Bata and DSWD. This results into Tony losing custody over his two kids (played by Zaijan Jaranilla and Xyriel Manabat).

Nick Fury sees this as an opportunity to get Tony into D’Abenjers. B**ch-slapping the s**t out of Tony to sobriety, he finds the strength to limit his daily drinking quota to half a bottle of Jack and do whatever he can to regain his family (except for that b**ch Pepper).


Bruce Banner thought that he can finally control the Hulk (which he apparently does in “The Avengers”) and gets in a serious long-term relationship with the love of his life, Betty Ross (played by Bea Alonzo–who else?).

Used to a life of containing strong emotion, Bruce gave Betty a very rigid and disappointing sex (can I say that here?) life. That’s why he decided to spice things up…with those male health supplements.

Unfortunately, things get out hand. Containing a five-hour unwanted “angry rooster” (will resort to lame terms to save minors from sullying their minds) is not a good idea, especially in the bedroom. Paralyzing Betty from the waist down, and tearing half of the house down, leads Bruce to a life of hiding…again (for the nth time). Damn those dietary supplements!

S.H.I.E.L.D. (maybe you guys can think up of a nice name for them) eggs him into joining D’Abenjers by saying Betty wants to talk things over with Bruce.

 Thor and Loki 

Aside from Thor being a pompous (yet righteous) douchebag, he’s also a playboy. Most enthralled by him is the Lady Sif (played by Mylene Dizon). But her feelings are not reciprocated (read: booty call). Only Loki does, but Sif doesn’t give a rat’s ass for the Lord of Mischief, thus deepening Loki’s hatred for the blonde Norse god.

After being exiled, Thor falls in love with the human Jane Foster (played by Jodi Sta. Maria–sorry an Oriental Thor might not cut it), causing him to change his ways. This results to Lady Sif killing herself by going to Jotunheim disguised as a petite frost giant, which piqued the interest of at least a hundred giants (yikes).

Loki leaves Asgard as well, planning to get rid of his “brother” once and for all.

Captain America

Apparently, being frozen in time gave the Cap a hard time coping up with modernity. Marrying a provincial lass (no actress yet) and producing a son, Cap just wanted them to have an ideal life…in the 1940’s.

He wants his son to be a soldier like he is, but the latter wants to be an artist. In summation, his whole plight is similar to Edu (in Tanging Yaman) and Jericho Rosales’ dynamics.

Hawkeye and Black Widow

Nothing, just a typical “boy-meets-girl” love story. Ho-hum, just like their love story in the 2012 blockbuster. (Am I hearing blades being sharpened?) Let’s just move on to…

The Actual Plot

Thor’s story will standout the most here, since what he’ll be repairing here is the broken brotherhood between him and Loki. As Loki’s journey to kill Thor ensues, he chances upon the Chitauri, six ugly goons (because we can’t afford more, this being an all-star cast–more on that next week) situated in some cave that’s being tried to pass as a corner in the galaxy. Loki strikes a deal to give Thanos (played by John Regala–again, another bad guy role for him) Earth as long as they help him kill the Thunder God.

Now that’s stated, just take all the backstories, add the previous paragraph, add an engagement party of Hawkeye and Black Widow’s which is disrupted by Loki’s bunch stealing the Tesseract and painstakingly delivers his whole plan via dialogue, challenging D’Abenjers on an intergalatic battle for the fate of the Earth. Before battling, each try to resolve their own personal issues (ala pre-launch montage in  “Armageddon“), THE ACTUAL BATTLE (which only runs for 5-10 minutes), D’Abenjers emerging victorious and reconciling with everyone, and having a song and dance number with Loki and the Chitauri in a gray sand beach like Matabungkay. Finally, ending the movie in the same manner as this (OH GOD WHY).

So, there you have it. Next post, we shall be discussing the film’s execution (aka The Budget)! I apologize for this text-ridden entry, though.

P.S. Tony and Pepper get their marriage annulled, because divorce isn’t legal here. The annulment spans through two more Iron Man sequels (which I’m guessing will never happen).

Toby Alejandria